My mother is not obeying my father as a wife should because my father is not responsible. He does not feed us normally, clothe us and does not give us good education and Islamic training. He also mistreats her, so she has taken up most of his duties as a man. But, I fear for my mother because the prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), said a woman’s paradise is at her husbands feet. I also work and do my best to support my family. I really love and want them to have the best.
Praise be to Allah.
Islam has ordained that each spouse should have duties
towards the other. The husband has rights over his wife and she has rights
over him, but his rights over her are greater than her rights over him,
because Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, says (interpretation of the
meaning):
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards
living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a
degree (of responsibility) over them”
[al-Baqarah 2:228].
Al-Jassas (may Allah have mercy on him) said: In this verse
Allah, may He be exalted, tells us that each spouse has rights over the
other, but the husband has some right over her that is exclusive to him and
she does not have a corresponding right over him, because Allah, may He be
exalted, says: “but men have a degree over them”.
End quote from Ahkam al-Quran by al-Jassas, 2/68
Ibn al-‘Arabi said: Here Allah states that the husband is
given superior marital rights over her.
End quote from Ahkam al-Quran by Ibn al-‘Arabi,
1/256
One of the rights of the husband over the wife is that she is
obliged to obey him, as Allah has put the man in charge of his wife with
regard to instructing her, directing her and taking care of her, as a ruler
would take care of his subjects, because of the physical and mental
characteristics that Allah has given only to the man, and because of the
financial obligations that He has ordained upon him. Allah, may He be
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning:
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because
Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to
support them) from their means”
[an-Nisa 4:34].
Ibn Katheer said: … ‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from
Ibn ‘Abbas: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women” means
they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him as Allah has commanded
her; obedience to him means that she should treat his family kindly and
guard his wealth. This is the view of Muqatil, as-Suddi and ad-Dahhak.
Tafseer Ibn Katheer,
1/492
One of the rights of the wife over her husband is that he
should spend on her, so long as she is obeying him and is not defiantly
rebellious. The wisdom behind the obligation upon him of spending on her is
that the woman is tied to the husband by virtue of the marriage contract,
and she is not allowed to go out of the marital home to earn a living except
with his permission. So he should spend on her sufficiently in return for
intimacy and her being devoted to taking care of him.
What is meant by spending is providing what the wife needs of
food, clothing and accommodation. These things must be provided for her even
if she is rich, because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of
the meaning):
“but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the
mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis”
[al-Baqarah 2:233]
“Let the rich man spend according to his means, and the man
whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has
given him”
[at-Talaq 65:7]
“Lodge them (the divorced women) where you dwell, according
to your means”
[al-Talaq 65:6].
And because the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon
him) said: “Their rights over you are that you should provide for them and
clothe them in a reasonable manner” Narrated by Muslim, 1218.
Another of the rights of the wife over her husband is that he
should treat her well and have a kind and gentle attitude towards her,
because Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And live with them honourably”
[an-Nisa 4:19]
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards
living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as
regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable”
[al-Baqarah 2:228].
In the Sunnah: it was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah
be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon
him) said: “I instruct you to be kind to women” Narrated by al-Bukhari
(3153) and Muslim (1468).
We have previously discussed in detail, with evidence, the
rights of each spouse over the other. Please see fatwa no.
10680.
After this explanation, you will know that each of your
parents has fallen short with regard to the rights of the other, and missed
out on his or her own rights. The husband has failed to give his wife her
rights of maintenance and kind treatment, and the wife has failed to be
obedient and submit to her husband.
What we advise you to do in this case is to advise both of
them, wisely and gently. Explain to your mother the rights that her husband
has over her, and what is enjoined by Islam of obedience and giving him his
rights properly. She should not respond to his shortcomings with similar
shortcomings, for whoever disobeys Allah concerning you, you should obey
Allah concerning him. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the
meaning):
“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the
evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah ordered the faithful believers to
be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly),
then verily! he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as
though he was a close friend.
But none is granted it (the above quality) except those who
are patient, and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion
(of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradise and in this world of a high
moral character).
And if an evil whisper from Shaitan (Satan) tries to turn you
away (O Muhammad) (from doing good, etc.), then seek refuge in Allah.
Verily, He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower”
[Fussilat 41:34-36].
At the same time, you should advise your father to fulfill
the duties that his Lord has enjoined upon him towards his household and his
wife, of maintenance, clothing and so on.
If they respond, then all well and good; otherwise by doing
that you will have done what is required of you of giving sincere advice,
calling to that which is good, and enjoining what is good and forbidding
what is evil. There will be no blame on you – in sha Allah – for their
shortcomings. You should remember that what is obligatory for you is to
honor your parents, treat them kindly, offer them sincere advice and try to
reconcile between them. If one or both of them persists in what he or she is
doing, their right to respect and kind treatment is not waived, no matter
what extent their misconduct and errors reach.
Someone asked ash-Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on
him) about a dispute between his parents, and he replied: … With regard to
the dispute between them, what you must do is two things: try to reconcile
between them as much as you can, so that the dispute, enmity and resentment
between them will be dispelled, because each spouse has duties towards the
other which must be fulfilled, and part of honoring your parents is to try
to dispel these disputes so that the atmosphere will be clear and life will
be happy.
The other thing is: it is obligatory for you to honor and
show kindness to each of them. You can avoid making either of them angry if
you conceal your kindness to one of them from the other. So honour your
mother in some way that your father will not be aware of, and honour your
father in some way that your mother will not be aware of. In this way you
will be able to do what is required. You should not be content to let your
parents remain in this state of conflict and dispute, or in a state of anger
if you honour the other parent. What you must do is explain to each of them
that honouring one does not mean cutting off ties with the other; rather
each of them is entitled to a share of your honoring and kindness as Allah
has enjoined.
End quote from Fatawa Islamiyyah, 4/196
You should also offer a great deal of supplication for them
in their absence, asking Allah to set their affairs straight and to help
them avoid the tricks of the Shaytan.
And Allah knows best.
