could you please advise us about how improve our manners, and raise our children to have good manners? As many of the scholars mentioned, they studied under their teachers for years to learn proper manners. I am very concerned because it seems that we are surrounded by bad examples and role models, and the standards of society are very low. I am a revert to Islam so I was not raised with good Islamic manners. I dont have the knowledge or training to be a very good role model. My childrens tv watching is very restricted, but they still interact with cousins and friends who pick up bad words and attitudes from tv. We also educate our children at home. But as much as we shelter them and instruct them, they seem to pick up some of the attitudes of the greater society. I am torn between whether I should continue trying to remain patient and remind them gently, or I should become more strict to enforce better behavior. We would really appreciate any advice that you could offer.
Praise be to Allah.
We
congratulate you for the blessing that has been bestowed upon you of
guidance to Islam, and we ask Allah, may He be exalted, to make us and you
steadfast in adhering to this religion until we meet Him when He is pleased
with us. We also congratulate you for your keenness to give your children a
good upbringing.
With
regard to the answer to your question, we will point out some important
matters in the hope that they will help you, with the help of Allah, may He
be exalted, in what you are striving to achieve.
Firstly:
It is
essential to point out that bad behaviour in most cases is in accordance
with a person’s whims and desires; hence the child will pick up bad
behaviour with the slightest influence and the most insignificant of
reasons. On the other hand, good behaviour means disciplining oneself and
restraining oneself from whims and desires that detrimental to one’s own
best interests. Good behaviour means following a path that is contrary to
the whims and desires of the self, so it is a constructive process that
requires effort and striving.
A
sound upbringing is one that instils good attitude and behaviour firmly in
the child’s heart and mind so that he will be able to resist corrupt whims
and desires, and he will not feel comfortable except with things that help
him adhere to the path of righteousness and will despise anything that is
contrary to good values.
In
order for the child to accept this good attitude and behaviour, it is
essential to make that beloved to him. Love cannot be instilled by means of
force and harshness; rather it needs the following:
1.
Kindness and gentleness
There
are a number of hadeeths in which the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah
be upon him) teaches us to use kindness and gentleness when interacting with
others, such as the following:
It was
narrated that ‘Aa’ishah, the wife of the Prophet (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) said: “Verily Allah loves kindness in all things.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6024.
Muslim
(2592) narrated from Jareer that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah
be upon him) said: “Whoever is deprived of kindness is deprived of
goodness.”
It was
narrated that ‘Aa’ishah, the wife of the Prophet (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him) said, narrating from the Prophet (blessings and peace of
Allah be upon him): “There is no kindness in a thing but it adorns it, and
it is not taken away from a thing but it makes it defective.”
It was
narrated from ‘Aa’ishah that she said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and
peace of Allah be upon him) said: “When Allah wills good for the members of
a household, He instills kindness in them.”
Narrated by Imam Ahmad in his Musnad, 40/488, no. 24427; classed as
saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami‘ as-Sagheer, no. 303
Children by their nature love the parent who is kind to them and helps them,
and who cares about them, but that should be without yelling and getting
angry, as much as possible; rather it should be with wisdom and patience.
The
child is at an age where he needs leisure and play; he is also at an age
where discipline and teaching are appropriate. Hence everything must be
given due attention, within moderation.
Because children love kind parents, this love gives them a strong motivation
to obey their parents. In the opposite scenario, if kindness is absent and
there is violence and harshness, that will lead to alienation, which in turn
will lead to stubbornness and disobedience, or the prevalence of fear which
will generate an attitude of lying and deceitfulness in the child.
2.
Kind treatment does not rule out the use of punishment when
necessary,
But it
should be noted that punishment, when bringing up children, must be used
wisely. It is not right to punish the child for every misdemeanour on his
part; rather punishment is to be used when kindness is of no benefit and
when advice, instructions and bans have been to no avail.
Punishments should also be useful. For example, if you have the problem of
your children spending a long time in front of the television, then you can
dictate to them which programs they may watch, that will usually be
beneficial and not harmful, and that are free of problematic material as
much as possible. Then if they go beyond the stated time, you can punish
them by depriving them of TV for an entire day. If they go beyond the stated
time again, then you can deprive them of it for a longer period, according
to whatever will achieve the aim and be of benefit in disciplining them.
3.
Setting a good example
The
parents must first of all adhere themselves to the attitude and behaviour
that they are trying to instil in their children. For example, it is not
appropriate for a father to forbid his child to smoke when he himself
smokes.
Hence
one of the early generations said to his children’s teacher: Let the first
thing you do in setting my children straight be mending your own ways, for
their faults will be connected to your faults; in their eyes, what is good
will be what you do and what is bad will be what you refrain from. End
quote.
Tareekh Dimashq,
38/271-272
4.
A good environment
This
is the environment in which doing good deeds is praised and the one who does
them is respected, whereas bad deeds and those who do them are criticized.
In current times this good environment is often lacking, but we can try
hard, physically, psychologically and financially, to create it, in sha
Allah.
For
example, if a Muslim family is living in a neighbourhood where there are no
other Muslim families, this family should try hard to move to a
neighbourhood or city where there are a lot of Muslims, or to a
neighbourhood where there are mosques or Islamic centres that are active in
running programs for Muslim children.
For
example, if a child is interested in a specific sport or other activity, the
family could look for a suitable sports club or similar organisation run by
committed Muslims, that is attended by Muslim families who are keen to give
their children a good upbringing. Mixing plays a major role, as you say, so
try to reduce the negative effects that you are seeing as a result of
mixing, by mixing in a positive way with Muslim families.
If the
father is spending on nice clothes, delicious food and a comfortable home,
he should also spend on means of acquiring good attitude and behaviour, and
let him seek reward for that with Allah, may He be exalted.
Secondly:
You
have to offer du‘aa’ constantly, especially at times when supplications are
answered, such as the last third of the night, when prostrating and on
Fridays. Call upon Allah, may He be exalted, a great deal and ask Him to
make your children righteous and guide them to the straight path.
Supplications for their children is one of the characteristics of the
righteous slaves of Allah. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of
the meaning):
“And
those who say: ‘Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who
will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqoon
(pious)”
[al-Furqaan 25:74].
Shaykh
‘Abd ar-Rahmaan as-Sa‘di (may Allah have mercy on him) said: “the comfort of
our eyes” means a source of joy.
If we
examine the situation and characteristics of the ones who offered this
du‘aa’, we will realize, based on their qualities and high ranking, that
they would not be content until they see their children obeying their Lord,
knowledgeable and actively striving. As this is a supplication that their
wives and children would follow the path of righteousness, it is also a
supplication for themselves, because the benefit will come back to them too.
Hence they regarded that as a gift to them and they said “Bestow on us (lit.
give to us).” In fact their supplication brings benefit to all the Muslims,
because the righteousness of those who are mentioned will bring about the
righteousness of many of those who are connected to them, and will benefit
them. End quote.
Tayseer al-Kareem al-Mannaan fi Tafseer Kalaam ar-Rahmaan,
587
For
more information, please see the fatwas no. 4237 and
10016
And
Allah knows best.
