Etiquette of intimate relations

Yes, you are right: Islam teaches us all things and has brought
all good teaching to mankind concerning their livelihood, religion, living and
dying, because it is the religion of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted.

Sexual relations are among the important matters of life which
Islam came to explain and to prescribe proper conduct and rulings which elevate
it from the level of mere bestial pleasure and physical desire. Islam connects
it to a righteous intention, supplications (adhkaar) and proper conduct
which lift it up to the level of worship for which the Muslim will be rewarded.
The Sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) explains this. Imaam Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy
on him) says in his book Zaad al-Ma’aad:

“Concerning sexual relations, the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) brought the most perfect guidance,
whereby health may be preserved and people may find pleasure and enjoyment,
and it may fulfil the purpose for which it was created, because sex was created
for three basic purposes:

The preservation and propagation of the human race, until
they reach the number of souls that Allaah has decreed should be created
in this world.

Expulsion of the water (semen) which may cause harm to the
body if it is retained.

Fulfilling physical desires and enjoying physical pleasure.
This alone is the feature that will be present in Paradise, because there
will be no producing of offspring there, and no retention which needs to
be relieved by ejaculation.

The best doctors suggest that sex is one of the means of maintaining
good health.

(al-Tibb al-Nabawi, p. 249).

And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Among its benefits is that it helps to lower
the gaze, brings self-control, enables one to keep away from haraam things,
and achieves all of these things for the woman too. It brings benefit to a man
with regard to this world and the Hereafter, and benefits the woman too. Hence
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) used to enjoy regular intimate relations with his wives, and he said, “In
your world, women and perfume have been made dear to me.” (Narrated
by Ahmad, 3/128; al-Nasaa’i, 7/61; classed as saheeh by al-Haakim).

And the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “O young men, whoever
among you can afford it, let him get married, for it helps him to lower his
gaze and protect his chastity. And whoever cannot do that, let him fast, for
it will be a protection for him.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/92;
Muslim, 1400).

(al-Tibb al-Nabawi, 251).

Among the important matters which should be paid attention
to when engaging in intimate relations:

Having the sincere intention of doing this
thing only for the sake of Allaah. One should intend to do this to protect
oneself and one’s wife from doing haraam things, to increase the numbers
of the Muslim ummah so as to raise its status, for there is honour and pride
in large numbers. It should be known that one will be rewarded for this
action, even if he finds immediate pleasure and enjoyment in it. It was
reported from Abu Dharr that the Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “In the sexual intercourse
of any one of you there is reward” (meaning, when he has intercourse
with his wife). They said, O Mesenger of Allaah, when any one of us fulfils
his desire, will he have a reward for that? He
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Do you not see that
if he were to do it in a haraam manner, he would be punished for that? So
if he does it in a halaal manner, he will be rewarded.” (Narrated
by Muslim, 720).

This is the great bounty of Allaah towards this Ummah; praise
be to Allaah Who has made us among them.

Intercourse should be preceded by kind words, playfulness
and kisses. The Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) used to play with his wives and kiss them.

When a man has intercourse with his wife, he
should say: “Bismillaah, Allaahumma jannibnaa al-shaytaan wa jannib
al-shaytaan maa razqtanaa (In the name of Allaah, O Allaah Keep us away
from the Shaytaan and keep the Shaytaan away from what You bestow on us
(our children)).” The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: If Allaah decrees that
they should have a child, the Shaytaan will never harm him.” (Narrated
by al-Bukhaari, 9/187)

It is permissible for the husband to have intercourse
with his wife in her vagina in whatever manner he wishes, from behind or
from the front, on the condition that it is in her vagina, which is the
place from which a child is born. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual
relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and
not in the anus), when or how you will” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. Jaabir
ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Jews used
to say that if a man had intercourse with his wife in her vagina from behind,
the child would have a squint. Then this aayah was revealed: Your wives
are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your
wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus),
when or how you will” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
said: “From the front or from the back, so long as it is in the vagina.”
(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 8/154; Muslim, 4/156).

It is not permissible for the husband under
any circumstances whatsoever to have intercourse with his wife in her back
passage. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Your wives
are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth (have sexual relations with your
wives in any manner as long as it is in the vagina and not in the anus),
when or how you will” [al-Baqarah 2:223]. It is known that the
place of tilth is the vagina, which is the place from which one hopes for
a child. The Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “He is cursed who has intercourse with women
in their back passages.” (Narrated by Ibn ‘Udayy, 1/211;
classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 105).
This is because it [anal intercourse] goes against the fitrah [natural inclinations
of man] and is an action which is revolting to those of a sound human nature;
it also causes the woman to miss out on her share of pleasure; and the back
passage is a place of filth and dirt – and there are other reasons
which confirm the fact that this deed is haraam. For more information see
Question #1103.

If a man has intercourse with his wife and
wants to come back to her a second time, he should do wudoo’, because
the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) said: “If any one of you has intercourse with his wife
then wants to repeat it, let him do wudoo’ between the two (actions),
for it is more energizing for the second time.” (Narrated by
Muslim, 1/171). This is mustahabb (recommended), not waajib
(obligatory); if he is able to do ghusl between the two actions, this is
better, because of the hadeeth of Abu Raafi’ who said that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)
went around his wives one day and did ghusl in this one’s house and
in this one’s house. He (Abu Raafi’) said: I said to him, O Messenger
of Allaah, why do you not do one ghusl? He said, “This is cleaner and
better and purer.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood and al-Nasaa’i,
1/79)

One or both of the spouses have to do ghusl in the following
situations:

when the “two circumcised parts”
meet, because the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: “When the circumcised part meets the circumcised
part (according to another report: when the circumcised part touches the
circumcised part), ghusl becomes waajib (obligatory).” (Narrated
by Ahmad and Muslim, no. 526). This ghusl is obligatory whether
ejaculation takes place or not. The touching of the circumcised parts means
that the glans or tip of the penis penetrates the vagina; it does not mean
mere touching.

Emission of semen, even if the two circumcised
parts do not touch, because the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Water is for water [i.e.,
the water of ghusl is necessary when the “water” of semen is ejaculated].”
(Narrated by Muslim, no. 1/269).

Al-Baghawi said in Sharh al-Sunnah (2/9):
“Ghusl for janaabah [impurity following sexual discharge] is waajib
in either of two cases: when the tip of the penis enters the vagina, or
when gushing water is emitted by either the man or the woman.” For
more information on the details of ghusl as prescribed in sharee’ah,
see Question # 415.
It is permissible for the husband and wife to do ghusl together in one place,
even if he sees her and she sees him, because of the hadeeth of ‘Aa’ishah
(may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: “The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and I used to do ghusl together
from one vessel between me and him; we would take turns dipping our hands
in the vessel and he would take more than me until I would say, ‘Leave
some for me, leave some for me.’” She said, and they were both
junub (in a state of janaabah). Narrated by al-Bukhaari and Muslim.

It is permissible for a person who has to make
ghusl to sleep and delay the ghusl until before the time of prayer, but
it is definitely mustahabb for him to do wudoo’ before sleeping, because
of the hadeeth of ‘Umar, who said that he asked the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), Can any one of us sleep when
he is junub? The Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: “Yes, but let him do wudoo’ if he
wishes.” (Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, 232).

It is forbidden to have intercourse with a
woman when she is menstruating (having her period), because Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning): “They ask you concerning menstruation.
Say: that is an adhaa (a harmful thing for a husband to have a sexual intercourse
with his wife while she is having her menses), therefore keep away from
women during menses and go not unto them till they have purified (from menses
and have taken a bath). And when they have prufieied themselves, then go
in unto them as Allaah has ordained for you (go in unto them in any manner
as long as it is in their vagina). Truly, Allaah loves those who turn unto
Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves (by taking a bath
and cleaning and washing thoroughly their private parts, bodies, for their
prayers, etc.).” [al-Baqarah 2:222]. The person who has intercourse
with his wife whilst she is menstruating has to give a dinar or half a dinar
in charity, as it was reported that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) obliged a man to do when he
came and asked him about that. This was reported by the authors of al-Sunan
and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 122. But
it is permissible for the husband to enjoy his menstruating wife without
having intercourse, because of the hadeeth of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah
be pleased with her) who said: “The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would tell one of us, when she
was menstruating, to wear a waist-wrapper, then her husband would lie with
her.” (Agreed upon).

It is permissible for the husband to withdraw
(‘azl) if he does not want to have a child; by the same token
it is permissible for him to use condoms – if his wife gives her permission,
because she has the right to pleasure and to children. The evidence for
this is the hadeeth of Jaabir ibn ‘Abd-Allaah (may Allaah be pleased
with him) who said, “We used to do ‘azl at the time of
the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him). The Messenger of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) heard about that, and he did
not forbid us.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 9/250; Muslim, 4/160).

But it is better not to do any of that, for several reasons,
including the fact that it deprives the woman of pleasure or reduces the pleasure
for her; and that it cancels out one of the purposes of marriage, which is
to increase the number of offspring, as mentioned above.

It is forbidden for both spouses to spread
the secrets of what happens between them in their private marital life;
indeed, this is one of the most evil things. The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Among the most evil
of people before Allaah on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who comes
to his wife and has intercourse with her, then he spreads her secrets.”
(Narrated by Muslim, 4/157).

It was reported from Asmaa’ bint Yazeed
that she was with the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) and men and women were sitting with him, and the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said,
“Would any man say what he did with his wife? Would any woman tell others
what she did with her husband?” The people kept quiet and did not answer.
I [Asmaa’] said: “Yes, by Allaah, O Messenger of Allaah, they (women)
do that, and they (men) do that.” He said, “Do not do that. It is
like a male devil meeting a female devil in the road and having intercourse
with her whilst the people are watching.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood,
no. 1/339; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Adaab al-Zafaaf, p. 143).

This is what we were able to mention about the etiquette of
sexual relations. Praise be to Allaah Who has guided us to this great religion
with its sublime manners. Praise be to Allaah Who has shown us the best of this
world and the next. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.