I really hope that you can offer me some sound advice about something I shall explain to you, because I know that your advice is good and beneficial. I am from Jeddah, and am a student in a scientific field, in the physics department. I am twenty years old. I hope that these years have been spent in obedience to Allah. Usually, when I am faced with a problem and cannot find a solution myself, I consult my father, who is more than a dear friend – may Allah preserve him and preserve you. But in this particular instance, it is not possible to seek his advice, and that is not an option for me. The problem, in brief, has to do with pleasing both of my parents. I can say that pleasing my father is my goal in life, after worshipping Allah, but what should I do if the thing that pleases him most is cutting off my mother completely? What should I do if my mother is dreaming of the day when we will cut off ties with our father? Until now, I have chosen my father and I have kept quiet. My brothers have tried to combine honouring both of them and upholding ties with both of them, but neither my father nor my mother is pleased with that. The issue is that my parents separated when I was four years old, and from that day I have never seen my mother or spoken to her. At the beginning of this year, there was some contact between her and my brothers, and she started to get involved in their lives, little by little. When my father found out about that, he was devastated and felt betrayed. All these years he has never remarried, and he has never gone out with his friends. He brought up myself and my three brothers by himself, with no support from my paternal aunt or any maternal aunt. By Allah, one year or two years or three years would go by, and no one of our family would ask about us. Now, I would say that many problems have arisen between my brothers and my father. I really feel that he can no longer stand their presence. Up till now, my mother has not tried to see me in the university, and she has not tried to talk to me on my mobile phone. I find this very strange, but perhaps that makes it easy for me to choose. My need for my mother would be quite obvious to any rational person, for this is something obvious, but really I have grown up and been brought up in the best manner, and I do not feel that I need her to be around. Why should I let her affect my relationship with my father? Please tell me what you think.
Praise
be to Allah
Firstly:
Honouring
parents is one of the most important obligations upon children, and
disobeying them is something that is definitely prohibited. The believer
seeks the pleasure of his Lord, may He be exalted, by doing what Allah, may
He be exalted, has enjoined upon him and by refraining from what He has
prohibited to him. Thus he hopes for the reward of his Lord and fears His
punishment.
One of the signs
of honouring one’s parents is obeying them and treating them kindly in word
and deed, and not mistreating them, even by saying “uff” (the mildest word
of disrespect). But this does not mean that they are to be obeyed in
everything that they tell their child to do. Rather that is dependent upon
whether their instructions are in accordance with Islamic teachings, and do
not include any prohibited act that incurs the wrath of Allah, may He be
exalted; in that case, there is no obedience to them, even if that makes
them angry. The believer is a slave to his Lord, may He be exalted; he does
what He commands and refrains from what He forbids. When it comes to obeying
other people, that is restricted to what Allah, may He be exalted, has
prescribed and cannot be separated from that. Allah, may He be Blessed and
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And
your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful
to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life,
say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in
terms of honour.
And lower unto them the wing
of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them
Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small’”
[al-Israa’
17:23-25].
Imam Ibn Jareer
at-Tabari (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
Your Lord, O
Muhammad, has ordained that you should worship none but Allah, for it is not
appropriate that any be worshipped but He. And He has commanded you to be
dutiful to your parents, to treat them kindly and to honour them. End quote.
Tafseer at-Tabari
(17/413-414).
Shaykh Muhammad
al-Ameen ash-Shinqeeti (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
In this verse,
Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, has enjoined sincerity of worship to
Him alone, and alongside that He has enjoined kindness towards parents. The
mention of honouring parents alongside worshipping Him alone, may He be
glorified and exalted, also occurs in other verses, such as the verse in
Soorat an-Nisaa’, “Worship Allah and join none with Him in worship, and
do good to parents” [an-Nisaa’ 4:36]; the verse in al-Baqarah, “And
(remember) when We took a covenant from the Children of Israel, (saying):
Worship none but Allah (Alone) and be dutiful and good to parents” [al-Baqarah
2:83]; and the verse in Soorat Luqmaan, “give thanks to Me and to
your parents, unto Me is the final destination” [Luqmaan 31:14].
Elsewhere, Allah explained that honouring parents is obligatory, even if
they are mushrikeen who call their child to ascribe partners to Allah, as it
says in Soorat Luqmaan, “But if they (both) strive with you to make you
join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then
obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly” [Luqmaan 31:15];
and in Soorat al-Ankaboot, “And We have enjoined on man to be good and
dutiful to his parents, but if they strive to make you join with Me (in
worship) anything (as a partner) of which you have no knowledge, then obey
them not. Unto Me is your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”
[al-Ankaboot 29:8].
In these verses
Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, mentions honouring parents alongside
worshipping Him alone (Tawheed). This is indicative of the emphasis placed
on the command to honour parents. End quote.
Adwaa’ al-Bayaan
(3/85)
Hence what you
must do is honour both of your parents, and it is forbidden for you to
disobey them. Your father’s instruction to cut off ties with your mother is
contrary to Islamic teaching, and it is unlawful for you to obey him. The
same applies if your mother tells you to cut off ties with your father.
If the father
has one right, then the mother has three times as much.
It was narrated
that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: A man came to the
Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and said: O
Messenger of Allah, which of the people is most deserving of my good
companionship? He said: “Your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then
your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then
who? He said: “Then your father.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari
(5626) and Muslim (2548).
An-Nawawi (may
Allah have mercy on him) said:
This hadith
urges people to honour relatives, and states that the mother is the most
deserving of that, followed by the father, followed by the next closest then
the next closest. The scholars said: The reason why the mother is given
precedence is because of the effort she puts into raising her child, her
compassion and her service, and the hardships that she suffered in carrying
him then giving birth to him, then breastfeeding him, then bringing him up,
serving him, caring for him when he was sick, and so on. End quote.
Sharh Muslim
(16/102)
Secondly:
You can honour
your mother without telling your father about it, and without any need for
him to know that you are doing it. It is not permissible for him in the
first place to order you to keep away from her and not speak to her. With
wisdom, the children can honour both parents and uphold ties with both
parents, without any need to give precedence to one over the other, and
without any need to honour one at the expense of the other.
Shaykh Muhammad
ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked:
I am a young
man, eighteen years old. I pray regularly and I strive to please and obey my
father, but since I was born and until now, I have never seen my mother, but
I know where she is living now, and she is far away from me. In fact my
father told me, as he divorced her. I want to see her, because she is my
mother, and Allah will bring me to account for it if I do not visit her.
Please note that I have not told my father that I want to see her, because I
am afraid that if I tell him, he will be angry with me, especially since he
has married another woman, and he has a number of children from her. What is
the Islamic ruling on my situation?
He replied:
What we think is
that you should visit your mother and give her good companionship, and you
should honour her as you are obliged to, because the Prophet (blessings and
peace of Allah be upon him) was asked: Which of the people is most deserving
of my good companionship? He said: “Your mother.” He said: Then who? He
said: “Then your mother.” He said: Then who? He said: “Then your mother.” He
said: Then who? He said: “Then your father.”
It not
permissible for you to cut off ties with your mother in this manner; rather
you should uphold ties with her and visit her. In this situation, you may be
discreet with your father so that he does not know that you are visiting
your mother, upholding ties with her and honouring her. In this way you will
be fulfilling the rights of your mother whilst avoiding angering your
father. End quote.
Fataawa
Islamiyyah
(4/213)
Shaykh al-‘Uthaymeen
(may Allah have mercy on him) was also asked:
I am a young
man, twenty-five years old. My father and mother are constantly arguing, all
day long. If I honour one of them, the other gets angry and gets upset with
me; if I honour the other one, the first one gets angry and accuses me of
being disobedient. What should I do in order to honour them both. Am I
regarded as disobeying my mother simply by honouring my father, or vice
versa?
He replied:
in answer to
your question, we say that honouring both parents is one of the most
important duties that one human owes to another, because Allah, may He be
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Worship Allah
and join none with Him in worship, and do good to parents”
[an-Nisaa’ 4:36];
“And We have
enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents
[al-‘Ankaboot
29:8]
“give thanks to
Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination”
[Luqmaan 31:14].
And there are
many hadiths which speak of this matter. What the individual is obliged to
do is to honour both of his parents, mother and father, and honour them by
spending on them, by serving them and using all other means to help them,
doing all that he can to honour them, to the extent that Allah, may He be
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And We have
enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him
in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in
two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final
destination.
But if they
(both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of
which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the
world kindly”
[Luqmaan
31:14-15].
Thus Allah
enjoins giving good companionship to these two polytheist parents who strive
to make their son join others in worship with Allah. Despite that, Allah
enjoins dealing kindly with them in this world. As that is the case, then
what you must do regarding your parents, who you say are constantly arguing,
and each of them gets angry with you if you honour the other, what you must
do is two things:
i.
With regard to
the dispute and arguments between them, you should try to reconcile between
them as much as you can, so that the conflict, enmity and resentment that
exists between them will be dispelled, because each of the spouses has
duties towards the other that he or she must fulfil, and part of honouring
your parents is trying to resolve these conflicts so as to clear the air and
make life happy.
ii.
You must also
honour and treat kindly each of them. You can avoid angering one parent if
you honour the other by concealing what you do; honour your mother in a way
that your father will not find out about, and honour your father in a way
that your mother will not find out about. In this manner, you will do what
is required of you. You should not accept one of them feeling angry if you
honour the other; rather what you must do is explain to each of them that
honouring one of them does not mean cutting off ties with the other, for
each of them has a right to be honoured as Allah has enjoined.
End quote from
Fataawa Islamiyyah (4/196, 197)
See also the
answers to questions no. 5053,
3044, 5326
But we would
like to draw your attention to the importance of adopting a gradual approach
in carrying out what we have advised you to do, and of paying attention to
your father’s feelings and pleasing him as much as you can, because your
mother is absent from you, and will not be as concerned with your affairs as
your father is. If someone has been absent from you, or you have been absent
from her, for approximately sixteen years, one or two days’ delay, or one or
two months’ delay, will not affect her. So give yourself time to plan how
you can honour and please your mother without angering or offending your
father. Remember that your father – may Allah help him and guide him to do
that which He loves and is pleasing to Him – has played both roles in your
life: the role of the father and the role of the mother. So his rights are
multiplied and it is essential to please him. All Islamic duties are
enjoined upon a person only to the extent that he is able to fulfil them.
Whoever fears Allah, Allah will grant him a way out, and whoever fears
Allah, Allah will make his affairs easy for him. So seek the help of Allah
and ask him to make it easy for you to obey and honour your parents, and to
open your father’s heart to what is right.
And Allah knows
best.
