My mother left my dad since I was born. She left him while pregnant because she didn’t want to raise me in a violent household. I grew up in a foreign country and found it very hard to feel I fitted in and have been a very lost girl and have grown up to be very sensitive and isolated. I rebelled in my 20s and tried to fit into the cool crowd but grew tired and felt rejected no matter what I did. I studied many degrees and was unable to find work. My step father was very resentful towards me and I felt rejected by him as well. He was critical to my mother and I and I saw my mother’s confidence deteriorate over the years. There were many violent fights in the household and she left my step dad many times, only but he kept coming back to her and she eventually gave up. They have grown mellow in their old age but the damage is done. My mother had a boy and I loved my little brother so much but both parents didn’t encourage us to grow a bond. I found my real father to get to know him but his family and him were sceptical of my motivations. He is well off in his country. My mother recently encouraged me to add my real father’s name in my birth certificate, so I bonded again with my father only to end in a terrible fight. I am now a woman and feel so wounded from my life; I am emotional and very sensitive and suffer from anxiety and stay at home most days. Should I keep my father’s name? My dad mocks my feelings and experiences. Why does my family reject me? WHY
Praise
be to Allah
We all have to understand that the remedy should always come
from within and stem from one’s own self. The self is able to achieve
tranquillity or a sense of peace in life even in the midst of trials and
tribulations. It is also the self that causes sickness and anxiety, even if
it has all kinds of comfort and luxuries. So long as there are some
circumstances that we may find ourselves in that are imposed on the
individual, and in most cases he does not have any power to change or alter
those circumstances, the least he can do is to change his way of thinking
and the way he perceives things.
That begins with understanding that problems faced in life
and day-to-day troubles vary in type and degree. The worst – in our
experience – is when we go through severe illness, imprisonment or
detention, or we are subjected to wrongdoing, suppression and aggression.
The least of those troubles is distress that is connected to our
psychological make-up more than the painful reality in which we live, such
as a young man who feels frustrated because he is unemployed, or a young
woman who cannot get married, or one who is unable to fit in with his
environment and society. In fact these are among the easiest problems that a
person may be faced with in life, if he finds a way to deal with them in a
proper manner and persists in applying the remedy, especially when compared
with the psychological suffering and pain resulting from the major
calamities that we see today in some Muslim countries.
Once you understand what we have stated above, you will
realise that there is nothing more beneficial or better in this case than
occupying yourself – and indeed immersing yourself – in useful activities
and productive righteous deeds that will bring good to you and to society in
this world and in the Hereafter. So do your utmost to invest your effort in
looking for some activity to commit yourself to, even if it takes days and
days of looking and researching. Look for activities in nearby Islamic
centres, then make a commitment to attend and be active in it, especially
those activities that have to do with memorising and learning the Quran.
Also get involved in charitable organisations that give help to the needy or
that do local social activities. Moreover, you have a good opportunity to
join some training courses in order to upgrade more of your skills and
abilities. And there are many more ideas which, even if I were to spend many
days trying to list them all, you would see a huge amount of such
activities. All of them are activities that it may take a lifetime to
achieve, so how about if you work out a special programme (of various
activities), whereby you may upgrade your worship and relationship with
Allah, such as voluntary fasting – even if it is only three days of every
month – and praying qiyam, even if it is only two rak‘ahs, and glorifying
and remembering Allah, may He be glorified.
It is a beautiful life, to devote one’s time to all of these
things so that one has no need of people (to make one feel better), and to
continue succeeding and progressing until one finds the opportunity to prove
one’s qualifications and offer one’s skills, even if it takes many years.
How much knowledge a person may acquire today, but he may not have the
opportunity to act upon it until near the end of his life. Even if the
opportunity does not come, then we have fulfilled our own duty with regard
to the use of our time and our life. It is sufficient for us that we have
spent our journey to our Lord, may He be glorified, living a righteous life
and doing beneficial deeds. All of that will weigh in the balance of good
deeds, by Allah’s leave, whether it has to do with special acts of worship
or other righteous deeds, provided that one’s intention is sincere.
‘Abd ar-Rahman ibn Mahdi said: If it was said to Hammad ibn
Salamah: You are going to die tomorrow, he would not be able to add anything
to the habitual deeds that he has been doing.
End quote from Tahdheeb al-Kamaal (7/265)
If we all try to be that man, or close to that, do you think
we would suffer from any anxiety or depression? Or do you think that we
would care too much whether people will be friendly towards us or will turn
away from us?
We believe that paying attention to this remedy is one of the
most important means of attaining happiness.
So how about if we read some of that which scholars said
about the negative consequences of mixing with people a great deal, and what
many relationships lead to of harm to our psychological, spiritual and
emotional well-being.
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
As for the negative consequences of too much mixing with
people: the heart will be filled with the bad ideas and thoughts of the sons
of Adam until it becomes overwhelmed, which will result in confusion and
lack of concentration, worry and distress, weakness, and being weighed down
with a burden that one is unable to bear, as a result of keeping bad
company, neglecting one’s own interests, being distracted from focusing on
one’s own interests by people and their affairs; furthermore, the individual
will find himself wasting his time in pursuit of their demands and going in
the direction in which they push him. What then would be left of his time to
focus on Allah and the Hereafter?
How often mixing with people brings about calamity, erases
blessings, brings about disaster, wards off some blessing that was coming,
and has brought about calamities and problems and so on!
Are people’s troubles caused by anyone other than people?
Was there anyone more harmful to Abu Talib on his deathbed
than those bad companions? They kept on at him until they prevented him from
uttering a single word that would have brought him eternal happiness.
The useful guideline with regard to mixing with people is
that one should mix with them on good occasions, such as Jumu’ah, prayer in
congregation, ‘Eid, Hajj, acquiring knowledge, jihad, and offering sincere
advice.
And one should keep away from them on occasions when sin is
committed or when there is an excess of permissible things.
End quote from Madarij as-Salikeen bayna Manazil Iyyaka
Na‘budu wa Iyyaka Nasta‘een (1/452-453)
With regard to your lineage, you should not hesitate to
continue attributing yourself to your real father, and being keen to do so.
This is what is required of you according to sharee‘ah. It is not something
optional in your life; rather your true lineage is a part of you, to which
both spiritual and worldly matters are connected.
We hope that if you try to focus on beneficial matters, along
the lines mentioned above, and you avoid mixing with those whose company
does not bring you closer to your Lord, then we hope that you will find a
real change in your life. Remember that changing oneself is a means of
benefiting the environment and the people around you.
We also advise you to check out more advice and suggestions
that we have previously mentioned on our website, in the following
questions:
47026,
129102,
178693 and
100267
And Allah knows best.
